Comedian Tim Cavanagh is heard regularly on the nationally syndicated "Bob & Tom" radio show, highlighting celebrity birthdays. Tim rigorously researches each celebrity's life to find interesting "nuggets" or "quirks" overlooked by other celebrity birthday reporters. And if he cannot find a particularly engaging tidbit, he'll make one up. Some of his celebratory comments on these stars are sampled below. (By the way, feel free to put a birthday card in the mail to any or all of these great celebrities. Note: if the celebrity is deceased, you might want to send a Belated Get Well card instead.)
Singer Wayne Newton turns 71 this year. Wayne had one hit song, "Danke Schoen," 50 years ago, and since then has somehow convinced America that he's a celebrity. Now, you might be thinking, "Not so fast. Did you forget about his other hit song, ‘Daddy, Don't You Walk So Fast'?" No, I haven't forgotten. As hard as I've tried. I can't forget. Or forgive.
Actor John Ratzenberger celebrates birthday number 66. After his role as Cliff Clavin on Cheers, he opened up a restaurant called "Ratzenberger's," which, for some reason, never caught on.
Talk show host David Frost turns 74 this week. Upon his death, he has asked that his body be cryogenically preserved, which I don't think will be possible. I mean, every freezer made since 1978 is guaranteed to be Frost-free.
Forty eight years ago, model and actress Paulina Porizkova was born in Czechoslovakia. When the 5 foot, 11 inch supermodel married musician Ric Ocasek, all I could think was, "Wow! That's a really big Czech for a pretty ugly Car."
Turning 77 this year is John Madden. The next edition of his video game, Madden 25, will be the most true-to-life Madden game ever, because one of the teams will be physically exhausted after a grueling 47 hour bus ride from Oakland to Boston that they had to take because their big macho coach was too afraid to get on the scary airplane.
Turning 50 years old is Conan O'Brien. Conan received $45 million from NBC to not host "The Tonight Show." Which I think is just crazy money. I mean, I'd be willing to not host "The Tonight Show" for just $8 million.
Actress America Ferrara is turning 29 this year. I found her so convincing as Ugly Betty that I can no longer sing "America the Beautiful" with a straight face.
Blonde bombshell Jayne Mansfield would be celebrating birthday number 80 this year. She was the mother of actress Mariska Hargitay. In 1967, Mansfield was killed in a horrific car crash, with the three and a half year old Mariska asleep in the back seat. For a full two years after the accident, the traumatized Mariska could not read anything about that terrible night. Then, in kindergarten, she learned how to read.
* All material © 2013 Tim Cavanagh